I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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