He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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