The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
