My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
