Please, let me fuck your mom
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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