I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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