Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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