I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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