Im at strip club and am horny
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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