No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
