I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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