I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tell her she can't have a vagina
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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