Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
