I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
