MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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