My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You smell like stripper and shame
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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