Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
