Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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