First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
