Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
