Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
