and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
