Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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