Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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