Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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