He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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