I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
