He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
