She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
