dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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