I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
