Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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