I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
