Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Your dad touched me again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
