if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
