Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
