In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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