My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
