Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
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Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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