Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
