Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
