At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
