Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
im six kinds of drunk right now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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