So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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