I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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