When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
