I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
