Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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