Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
