Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
