You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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