Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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