She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
