I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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