i came on her dog
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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