Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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